Homeschool Fiction

There are always dozens of popular memes floating around Facebook (my current social media outlet of choice). Most I just ignore, some I even chuckle at, but the one that keeps coming back over and over that really annoys me is this one (I’m actually having a ridiculously difficult time typing the words since they hurt my heart so much; plus the grammar is poor):

My promise to my children ~ as long as I live ~ I am your Parent 1st -your Friend 2nd. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU ! When you understand that, I will know that you are a responsible adult. You will NEVER find someone who loves, prays, cares & worries about you more than I do! If you don’t hate me once in your life – I am not doing my job properly. Re-post if you are a parent and agree [grammatical errors are all the original author's]

As a nearly-40-year-old parent who has always deeply cared about the welfare of my children, to the point of examining and reexamining EVERY SINGLE little thing I do/say/think about them and our relationships, I’ve spent a lot of time questioning why this meme upsets me so much every time I see it–especially when it has been posted by people who I thought were very good parents with good intentions.

As I discussed the meme with my husband and daughters, Greg (my husband) reminded me that the intention of the original author was most likely a deep concern about their child for some particular reason. Clearly their relationship had deteriorated to the point that s/he was grasping at straws to try to get some semblance of control and order back. The thing is: honest and true relationships don’t work that way (and there is no “control”). I believe that whoever wrote this meme is using the wrong indicators for what successful, or even “good”, parenting is. I do understand the concern, but when parenting is done correctly, these methods are never necessary.

So, what are my real thoughts about the meme? I personally find it very insulting, demeaning, and disrespectful to the “child” in the relationship, not to mention overbearing. I am a fully-grown adult and I don’t understand why anyone would want this type of relationship–ever.

This meme is the opposite of what real love is. It is obsessive and controlling–the exact opposite of how I want to treat my children and how I would want to be treated by anyone, especially anyone who claimed to love me (but who was really just a control-freak). If a partner treated me this way, I’d get a restraining order on them and I’d think they were a creep who belonged in jail. I feel so strongly about this that I’ve defriended all but one person I’ve ever seen post this meme. I truly find it that insulting, and my children have thanked me for feeling this way. This meme has caused a lot of long conversations in my family, apparently something the original author and his/her family have never had. (I hope things have changed in their lives by now. If not, I feel very sorry for them.)

About a year ago, in response to this meme, my friend Tara Oster wrote this following meme which I wholeheartedly agree with:

PROMISE TO MY CHILDREN (Written by Tara Oster): I will love you, nurture you, talk with you, share with you, hold you, support you, respect you and trust you. I will know you are doing the best you can in any given moment and I hope you know I’m doing the same. May you find many people who love, care for and respect you like I do. Copy and paste if you feel the same way.

My positive relationship with my children trumps all and if my children ever hated me, I’d consider myself a failure as a parent. While they might be upset with me temporarily, as all relationships take work and open communication, I cannot imagine them ever hating me. When I look back to my own teen years, I’m reminded at how important communication is. When my parents treated me like the original author treats his/her kids, I felt less than loved and I was resentful. I believe that that treatment was the source of all my major teen woes. When my parents treated with me respect and as a whole person, everything improved–including my outlook on life and my feelings about my own self worth.

Thanks to discovering Unschooling, I now live in a completely different world paradigm regarding parenting than the people who copy and paste that original meme. I am thankful for that every day. Where I live, parenting means that my FRIEND-relationship with my daughters comes first above all else in my relationships with them. I am their trusted guide and mentor, never their dictator and certainly never a person who would hunt them down. The Unschooling lifestyle is a very successful way of living. With my daughters currently 15 and 11, we have zero “teen” issues that parents using that popularly posted meme have. My family has too much trust in our relationships for that to ever happen.

For me, that’s the Promise that I hope everyone who reads this blog post can have with their own families. It’s a glorious place to be living–this place of real love. My children and husband are my best friends and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Lisa and two of her best friends (her daughters), December 2011

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By: Lisa