Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
--- Anonymous
Consider your words carefully, your words define who you are. What is your goal from your relationship with your children? Do you want to really know who they are? What do you want your relationship to be with them when they are grown? Consider that your words and actions when they are children will affect your relationship with them when they are grown. Make your words, actions, and relationship be great NOW, every day. The future will take care of itself when today's relationships are always taken care of every single day at every moment of today. Conscious, mindful parenting today can cure tomorrow's potential woes.
Along these thoughts, a variety of phrases have been popping up around me lately and I have discovered deep within me that when I said that I would never say certain things to my children when they were born, I meant it. I also meant that I would never say similar things, either. Listed below are some of these sad phrases (they aren't necessarily all obviously mean spirited, but they certainly are all mean spirited!). I invite readers to e-mail me additional phrases and experiences and thoughts on these topics. Please fill out the form located at the side of this page.
- "Just wait until you have kids":
What, for revenge? My children are wonderful and glorious beings. Why would I want to spite my children? If anything, I look forward to being the grandmother of their children as I am certain that my children will be amazing parents.
I also don't want to force my children to grow up faster than they already are. I enjoy them; I like them here with me. They will decide to leave home soon enough without me forcing them to prematurely.
- "Farm out" as in, "I need to farm out these kids in order to get rid of them for a while and I don't care who has them so long as it's not me":
I *always* care where my children are and who my children are with. I don't leave them with just anyone, either. My children know this and trust me to not leave them with people that they would feel uncomfortable with. If need be (and often is), I don't go places where my children aren't invited. If you are feeling so tired of your children that you are feeling this way, consider getting household help while you spend MORE time really paying attention to your children. The household stuff can usually wait, children cannot.
If there isn't a reason behind my actions, then I should reconsider my actions. I have said, "Please do/don't do this particular action right now and I will tell you why as soon as I can." This is completely different, it was a matter of emergency or necessity. "Because I said so" is never valid in a real relationship. I've earned my children's trust at this point and they know that if I can't give them a reason that instant, I'll happily give them a reason as soon as possible.
Okay, we are not talking about a forty year old drugged out man here and his relationship with his mother. We are talking about a child. A child that is living with his parents (a child that hopefully hasn't been screwed up by his parents). If the relationship has gotten to the point that "tough love" is even thought of, then something horrible definitely went wrong a LONG time ago that started with the parents. My relationship with my children comes ahead of my relationship with anyone else, and anyone that might tell me that I need to use "tough love" has probably been a victim of "tough love" themselves...
- "I'm more stubborn than you" or "I'm going to win this one" (in an argument) or "My will is stronger than yours":
What!?! The parent-child relationship should not be competitive nor adversarial. Why would I want to "beat" my child in any way? I birthed these children of mine, I am on THEIR side. We are partners in this world of living together. We might not always agree with each other, but we are never adversaries.
- "You're grounded" or "You are in time out" or "Go stand in a corner":
When a child is behaving poorly, it should be a wake-up call to the parents (they weren't doing their job!) not a reason to punish the child. Children need their parents MORE than ever at these critical moments. They don't need an absent parent that gets rid of them for their own peace.
If you can think of nothing positive to say to your child, consider these questions: Have you been ignoring your child lately? Pushing them off to be dealt with later? Ignoring their needs?
Worse still, have you wanted to punish or hit/spank/swat? Consider using one of these 22 alternatives to punishment. If you are still feeling the need to hit, get help immediately.
A child can only be punished so many times before they either never want to be around the person that punishes them, or else they only stick around (and continue to be abused by) people that punish them and become like those people. Punishments rarely turn into less harsh actions, in fact they usually become more and more harsh in order to "show the same effects". Of course, these are just that, too: Effects of "show" rather than true personality changes. Children learn from example. If you hit your child, your child will learn that hitting people is a good thing to do when you disagree with them.
- "I love(d) you enough to make you [do this thing] ":
This is one of the most ludicrous excuses for child abuse that I have ever heard. I want to be my children's sanctuary. This world can be harsh. This world can be rough. This world is full of many exciting and wonderful things, too. When the world is tough on my children, I want them to know that I will be there for them. See Danielle Conger's take on this topic. My guess would be that she will always have a good relationship with her children.
- "Wait until you're 18, then you'll see"
Yeah, they'll discover that living without parents is heavenly! Some kids really would prefer life as a runaway to the abuse (verbal and/or physical) that they receive at home. Guilt trips don't induce love just as spankings don't induce hugs. Next time you feel like yelling at your child, hug him instead. Be careful not to force that hug though, or it could backfire.
- "If you don't shut up, I'll give you something to cry about":
Really, now, will ya? Wow.
- "I'm proud of being a mean Mom.":
Huh? Seriously, huh? I don't even comprehend this one, but I've been hearing it a lot... Interesting that the children of these parents confide in me that they don't listen to their parents and they don't like their parents. I'm proud of being a nice Mom. My kids like me. My kid's friends like me (although not all of their parents do, but that doesn't bother me). When I am tempted to do something mean to a child because they have been annoying, I turn around and do something nice. I always get positive results with this approach.
By not forcing my children to have rigid chores, I've found that they are willing to help and pitch in without having to be asked or paid. Being nice to people begets niceness in return in unexpected ways. I'm constantly amazed at the nice things my children do.
I can certainly imagine how I would feel if my husband bragged to other men that he was a "mean husband". I wouldn't be wanting to do anything nice for him for a while...
- "Just wait until your father gets home.":
Who's the parent here? I am.
Okay, wait, I have used this phrase. My meaning (and connotation) is: Just wait until your dad gets home to join in on the wonderful fun that we are having! Won't it be great to share our fun and happiness with him, too?
- "This thing that you love is stupid."
Do your kids love Webkinz or Batman or video games that you consider stupid and a waste of time? Have you considered that if you say that something that your child loves is stupid, then you are really saying that you think that your child is stupid? At least, that is what she'll hear! My kids are geniuses! My kids' friends are geniuses. They are interesting, fascinating, thoughtful and thought-provoking. I love everything that they love. Although I don't completely understand it all, I certainly try and they see me try. I care about what they care about and (interestingly enough) they care about everything that I care about, too.
- "I know what's best for you."
The implication here is obvious: child is stupid, parent is smart. My children were born knowing what was best for them. They knew when they were hungry, cold, tired, etc. They listened to their bodies and they still haven't stopped! I know many, many (thousands?) of adults who don't have a clue what is best for them because that innate knowledge was beaten out of them as children (world dependency on caffeine, alcohol, and foods proves this). I'm not about to do that damage to my own kids!
With this phrase popping up as a phrase of choice in mainstream parenting circles, it is no wonder that the rift between parents and children is so huge these days. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Do you really want your child to go and play in traffic?
All this talk of what parents shouldn't say brings me to a list of sadly common phrases that if one of my children were to say, it would make me seriously reevaluate how I had been parenting:
- "I hate you."
- "You are mean."
- "I can't wait until I don't live with you anymore."
Please don't laugh. This isn't comical. If a child of mine said one of these phrases, I would ask them first if they really meant it. If no, then I would explain how saying something like that can cause the receiver's feelings to be hurt. If yes, then I would ask a lot of questions why and what I could do to make it better! I would listen! I would change accordingly!
If you have any additional phrases that you have heard lately, please let me know. I'm here, writing on this blog, for the sole purpose to make the world a better place.