Homeschool Fiction

I’ve been asked how it is that I’ve come to be so confident. Interesting question!

This post could have been titled “How to Love Yourself”, as confidence and love go hand-in-hand.

A while ago my youngest daughter asked me, “Who do you love most in this world?”

I replied, “It’s a three way tie between you, your sister and your dad.”

“Huh?” she questioned, utterly confused. “But, there are four people in our family. It should be a four-way tie. Don’t you love yourself, too? I love myself.”

“Yes, I DO!” was my response even though I floundered to say it as my mind whirled.

Where she was confused that I wouldn’t have remembered to include myself in my love, I had a hard time reconciling with myself and society that I wasn’t being narcissistic by loving myself. Being selfish is not evil!

How is confidence grown? Children are born completely selfish, pure, loving and confident. They are born perfect and they have no doubts that all their needs will be taken care of (as they were in utero). In children that are raised with attachment parenting, this pure kindness doesn’t diminish. It is only through relatives (primarily parents and siblings), so-called friends, and teachers that we learn that loving ourselves, taking care of ourselves, and respecting ourselves is a bad thing. This is the root of all low self esteem problems that ultimately cause domestic violence situations and worse.

Where does this leave all of us who have been raised in a mainstream fashion? How do we learn to have confidence in ourselves after it has been taken away from us?

I spend time every day on myself. Before my daughter asked that question about who I love the most, I’m not sure if I truly did love myself much. Although I did respect myself, I certainly didn’t treat myself with love.

The biggest thing I do for myself and my personal growth is to continue to read (every day, if I can) Unschooling mailing lists. Even though I *get* it and often am just nodding my head in agreement, it helps SO much to be reminded and to see this whole-life philosophy in action. I’ve heard other mothers say that mailing lists (and computers in general) were a waste of time, but I’ve found them to inspire the rest of my time so that I am the best mom I can be. Not just the best mother, either, but the best *ME*. Being the best me helps me have more confidence and love for myself. Those old Schoolhouse Rock! shows were right, “Knowledge is Power!” And with that power comes confidence.

Radical Unschooling permeates every part of life for the whole family. This fact has really surprised me. I never would have been so bold, nor pursued my true dreams if I hadn’t birthed my oldest daughter (who in her uniqueness led us to Unschooling). I’m thankful and grateful every day for her!

I’ve spent much of my life believing I would be done growing and learning once I was out of school. This myth is what our school system is so often about. Dare I call it the “All Grown Up Myth”? Once I was out of school, I felt ashamed that despite being a straight-A student, etc., I never felt like I knew enough. I beat myself up about it and tried to hide my insecurities when I shouldn’t have (everyone else has these too). I realize now that I’ll never be completely *there* in knowledge — there is always going to be more to learn. This is wonderful! I’ll never be bored. Not knowing things is nothing to be ashamed of, stopping learning because you think you already have all the answers is.

I’m currently definitely my own worst enemy. I’m actively working on changing that; I’ve seen that the harder I am on myself, the worse my performance and behavior. If I mentally (or physically - with overeating, for example) am negative to myself, the negativity grows. Life happens and I am human, although that’s hard to admit sometimes. Internally I feel all powerful, like I should be able to take on the world and conquer all the world’s problems in one day (or at least all *my* problems in one day), but of course I can’t. I shouldn’t even try. I can, however, have goals and I can do something to help me reach them every day. I can also forgive myself for being a real person and having back steps. This is part of life, not a flaw in me. The flaw would be if I let it get me down too much for too long (and if I didn’t apologize to those it affected, assuming it affected others). I love the “Keep Moving Forward” theme of Meet the Robinsons.

I’ve come to really enjoy the ChangeThis website. Every article on there comes from a person who is feeling passionate about a particular topic. This passion and confidence radiates through their writing and I tangibly feel it when I read the articles. A recent ChangeThis article titled “The Freak Factor: Discovering Uniqueness by Flaunting Weakness” is fantastic. In not so many words, this is exactly what I do with my kids. Applying it to myself has been the real challenge. Of course I have strengths, yet for years all I could see were my weaknesses (although I would never have admitted this at the time). I love the idea of not worrying about my weaknesses and making time to build my strengths to make them even stronger. That’s basically what I do with my kids! So, why not me too? The only exceptions being that I do have the (self chosen) responsibility of taking care of my kids.

I make a point to do something special for each of my family members every day (DH and two daughters and myself). This alone really makes a difference in my forgiving myself for my imperfections and in their forgiving me. The nicer and more forgiving I am, the less my flaws matter - they understand that when I mess up it isn’t on purpose. I haven’t always been able to extend that further than my immediate family, but I always have to have something to strive for…

I love that I have daughters who love themselves! Yet, they are not in the slightest bit stuck up. They genuinely find other people fascinating and interesting, yet never belittle themselves.

I found a drawing on the table the other day. It was a beautiful rainbow with hearts. At the top of the page was the proclamation: I LOVE ME! Wow! How profound. My daughters deserve a mother that feels similarly. I’ve had to really work on it though, since I was raised with an ‘others first’ mentality (and told many times by relatives/friends and school that selfishness would land me in hell, or at least with no friends). It’s taken me a long time to realize that narcissism and loving one’s self are not the same thing! You must love yourself in order to have confidence in yourself.

In summary, you can build your confidence by doing the following:

• Educate yourself - Become an expert on the things that matter to you.
• Spend time on yourself - Take care of your body, mind, and soul.
• Concentrate on your strengths and stop worrying about your so-called weaknesses - Maybe gardening isn’t for you, admit it and move on.

Related Articles:

• Interview with Ginger Carlson, Author of Child of Wonder
• Top 10: Reasons Why I’m THANKFUL We Discovered Unschooling
• Top 10: Reasons Why I’m Glad We Unschool
• Unschooling Extended to Adults - Unjobbing? Unmoneying?
• 12; Twelve; A WHOLE Dozen

By: Lisa