Healthy Sleep Patterns

Today's children, as a whole, are not getting enough sleep. They are overworked and overpressured. Sleep is often the first thing to drop out of a busy kid's schedule. Our teenagers (and younger children) shouldn't need caffeine and other stimulants just to "get by" and make it through the day (neither should adults, but that's a separate issue).

Studies have been shown that when teenagers are allowed to follow their natural rhythms, they sleep in later than when school normally starts. It's been shown that these "late morning hours" are the most important hours for teens' health. The quality of sleep during these hours is significantly higher than the hours before. Some schools are using this research to start their schools later in the morning. I read about one high school last year that found their students were healthier and scoring higher on tests by just pushing the school start time back by an hour or so.

A few interesting articles:

• New York Magazine's October 7, 2007 "Snooze or Lose" article
• The Star.com's October 27, 2007 "Toronto schools will let students sleep in" article
• Science World's March 6, 1996 "Dozing at your desk?" article
• Stanford's "Adolescent Sleep" information
• Washington Post's January 6, 2006 "Schools Waking Up to Teens' Unique Sleep Needs" article
  

Drowsiness is also dangerous! 20+% of serious car accidents are caused from a driver being drowsy. This is serious. Tired driving can be even more dangerous than drunk driving, and we all know how dangerous that is!

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My family's two-fold solution to the learning and sleep dilemma involve Radical Unschooling.

1. We Radically Unschool our children's education.
2. We Radically Unschool our children's sleeping.

What this means on a day-to-day basis is that our children have very flexible schedules. We encourage them to sleep when they are tired, do fun things when they are awake, and rest quietly (with or without us) when they are drowsy. We've seen first hand how solid learning often happens during the wee hours of the morning (all four of us are at our "most productive" from ~8PM-2AM). We purposefully schedule as few activities as possible before 1PM. The kids often sleep until 11AM or 12PM, sometimes later (especially if we've had a busy day/night, the day before). We're noticing that our older daughter is needing even more sleep lately as she's been growing about an inch a month for the past few months. We allow her to listen to her body and, in turn, she's getting plenty of sleep.

We don't have a "bedtime" for our kids. It just isn't needed, nor is it conducive to learning. It is baffling to me when parents regularly stop their children from learning, just to go to sleep.

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To give a point of view on sleep and adults, Dr. McDougall (whom I adore) suggests that adults consider using well planned sleep deprivation as a tool to cure depression and insomnia. I understand his point of view, but as an active adult with two young children, I still need to average 8 hours a night. (I also need enough quality sleep in order to induce lucid dreaming). :) Maybe I'll need less when I'm older.

Here are a few of Dr. McDougall sleep articles:
"Sleep Like a Baby -- Lessons from my Grandson on How to Cure Insomnia"
"Pharmaceutical Companies Promote Sleeping Sickness"
"A Natural Cure for Depression"

"I'd Unschool my children if only..."

I receive this comment a lot:

"I'd Unschool my children if only [they were more motivated, weren't special needs, wouldn't sit in front of the television all day long]." The list of excuses goes on and on, with the most popular one lately being "ADD". The fact remains that if you have a child that is special in any way (and I believe that all people are if you look closely enough; have you checked yourself against these various "special" lists?), they are in even greater need of being an Unschooled child and living an Unschooling lifestyle. I've seen children's lives saved with Unschooling.

Do you really believe that your child wouldn't learn how to do anything unless you or someone else forced them to learn it? Evolution proves this to be incorrect. If we weren't born with an innate desire to learn, our species would have died out a long time ago. Children today do not necessarily need (or want) to learn the skills of our ancestors, but they do want to learn how to live in our present society. Why wouldn't they? If for some freak reason (e.g. a meteor wiped out 1/2 the world) computer skills weren't needed in the future, the survivors would learn how to survive in that world! Humans are built to learn.

Here are some great resources for people that don't believe that their child can fit the mold of a typical Unschooler (and for those that don't believe they can Unschool due to special circumstances):

• Homeschooling the Child with ADD (or Other Special Needs): Your Complete Guide to Successfully Homeschooling the Child with Learning Differences by Lenore Colacion Hayes
• Shine with Unschooling Yahoo list
• Sandra Dodd's webpage on "Unschooling and Special Needs" -- this site has a LOT of useful Unschooling information
• Life Without School's "Special Needs Information"
  

Still have a babe in arms, or new to the concept of an alternative way of living? You may find The Highly Sensitive Person site to be a helpful start on your exciting journey. Here are some additional parenting resources. Don't think of your child as "special needs", think of them as a whole and complete person with unique needs. You need not look further than Unschooling to help dramatically with a wide variety of diagnoses that are not relevant in the real non-school world (such as ADD, ADHD, and Asperger's, just to name a few).

One of the absolutely fabulously great and wonderful things about Unschoolers is that there is NO "typical Unschooler". We are all unique individuals with unique goals and desires. The one thing we all do have in common is that we are all authentic. Celebrate your child for the unique individual she is! Celebrate yourself for the unique individual you are! There is only one YOU.

Homeschooling and Unschooling Myths

My favorite homeschooling myth is the one about socialization (although the math one is a close second). The fact of the matter is that the homeschooled and Unschooled children I know are the most socially capable children I've ever met (and, yes, I very distinctly remember being a child). These bright children know how to hold conversations with infants, agemates, other parents, and 85 year olds alike. They have no problem finding common interests (or at least sharing theirs to start conversations) in order to communicate effectively.

I will admit that there are introverted Unschoolers (probably even in the same percentages as society at large). They do, however, know how (within the realm of being a child) to handle social situations. OTOH, every schooled child over the age of 9 that I have met in the past few years has had huge difficulties holding even a trivial conversation with me on any topic -- the usual gut reaction of the child is to ignore that I exist since I'm an "adult" and adults seem to be off limits to all "cool kids". I've never had this happen in homeschooling circles, even with "shy" children. How better to learn how to live in society than to spend your time IN society? School is not real life, the world as a whole is. As my children's SDH t-shirts say, "The World is My Classroom."

• Here is my favorite "What About Socialization?" conversation that succinctly sums up the difference in approach.
• Here is Secular Homeschooling Magazine's extremely funny take on the topic of homeschooling myths in a wry article titled, "The Bitter Homeschooler's Wish List" (although I respectfully disagree with #19 since I don't boss my kids around on any topic).
• Joyfully Rejoycing on Socialization (check out the WHOLE site)
  

Like the above comic? Visit Inflatable Studios to see more of Jason Holm's spot-on homeschooling comics.

Day-to-Day Unschooling

I'm often asked what my family does day in and day out as Unschoolers. I always pause before answering this question in order to determine what the questioner is actually asking. The thing is, there is no "typical day" in the life of this Unschooling family (or any that we've met). We don't wake up or go to sleep at a regular time, we don't sit at the kitchen table and "do school work" -- ever. We have weekly activities that we are involved in, but we don't require our children to go to those if they choose not to, either (they always do attend though, unless we are going out of town). Our children have very flexible lives and we all highly enjoy the freedom of unscheduled learning.

When a friend or family member asks me this question, I know that what they really want to know is what we've been up to lately, what we do for fun, what interests us, etc. So, I share all the fun things we've been doing. I tell them about the activities we've done, the science experiments, the art projects, the hiking, the outings, the important aspects of our lives. I share the fun of what it is like to be us. I enjoy telling people about this!

When a potential future Unschooling family asks me the "typical day" question, I like to refer them to Sandra Dodd's website, my own Do Life Right site, or a place like Unschooling Voices. As every child learns differently, every family has a different dynamic. When I was new to Unschooling, I highly enjoyed reading about the day-to-day living of other families. It helped me realize that we needed to follow our own rhythm. Thus, I encourage others to do the same.

Enjoy finding your own beat!

Wonder Falling

Ever notice the intense wonder in a young child's eyes? Wonder why the older children and adults you meet don't have it any more? I've spent a lot of time wondering about this very thing. When my first daughter was a baby, I wanted her to keep this sense of pure amazement as long as possible. I didn't ever want her to lose it. I loved that wide-eyed look of pure joy in her eyes. I wanted it, too.

My kids still have this wonderment and I'm gaining it again -- more and more every day. The conscious decision to not let it disappear has helped stop me in my tracks every time I've almost taken some of it away from my children.

I believe, and it has been shown to me many times, that well meaning parents and teachers are to blame for knocking this wonderment about life out of their children. Every time a parent or teacher teaches a child a "life lesson", sparkles of joy leave that person -- usually for ever. These "life lessons" are almost unequivocally never taught to people in any other way. What I mean by this is that these lessons aren't real life and in real life, they aren't found. If, perchance, they are -- the person living it will certainly learn the "lesson" very quickly. It need not have ever been taught. I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty for your past behavior. I'm saying this in order to give you hope that all happiness can be regained if you desire it to be!

I love this quote from Radical Parenting:
"Most of the psychotherapy I have done with people has been to help them get over the damage they suffered from parents/teachers preparing them for life."

It is our obligation to the future generations of this world to be the very best parents we can be. Who cares how you were raised! You still have it in you to be an excellent parent. I believe everyone does. Don't blame the people that raised you for your own failings. Decide to change them now and make a commitment to not pass them to your children. Spankings and put-downs are not hereditary. You have the power to not perpetuate poor parenting.

As an Unschooling Mom, I vowed to never stop appreciating the wonder in my children's eyes. I see it in them every day. Yes, EVERY day. They've given me my spark back -- it is the best gift ever. Sometimes I feel as though I am walking around in a wonderful daze of pure joy. This world is astounding, interesting, and superbly amazing. When was the last time you felt that way? It isn't too late. Try playing with a young child -- on their level -- for a few hours. It is inspiring to become fascinated with every little thing in your surroundings again. Getting lost in the wonder of it all, whilst sharing the time with a child, is one of life's greatest pleasures. Look closely at things. Even the dirt on your floor is pretty interesting up close and personal. Pretend, if you have to, that you've never seen that exact thing ever before. Notice the beauty of it. It doesn't have to be a thing of nature, it could be a plastic toy or a bite of food.

Find your WONDER! Enjoy its peace.

"Meanest Mom in the Whole Wide World"

It has come to my attention that there is a rather large group of women in the world that are proud of the fact their children consider them to be the "Meanest Mom in the Whole Wide World". So proud, in fact, that their goal for their children is for them to become mean parents, also. (I've actually heard mothers bragging about this with other mothers!) These women are bigger lizards than the one above. [The one above is actually one of our quite cute friends here in the Sonoran Desert -- no worries about her future, she's a great mom.] Hate me for telling you this, but please love your children and stop bragging about being mean. Your children do hear you say these horrific words.

Please concentrate on being the nicest and most giving and loving parent in the world. Say yes to your children next time they ask to do something you would normally say no to. Do you really consider what they are asking to be dangerous? Then do it with them (even if it isn't dangerous, you should seriously consider doing it with them). Talk about the activity before you do it, while you are doing it, and after you did it. Was it really so horrible? Did your children come to the same conclusions as you? Why? Why not? Did you get to know your child better? Did he get to know you better? Seriously -- Ask yourself these questions! Would you rather that your child do these things behind your back in a sneaky way, or happily with you right there?

Go watch that movie or play that video game right next to your child! You might find that your world expands from the new experience it brings you. I wouldn't be surprised if you get a hug, a kiss, or at least a thank you. If you're lucky, you'll hear, "You are the best Mom ever." And, you'll know you can trust them, since they'll know they can trust you. Trust is the only way to have an open and honest and REAL relationship. Building a trustworthy relationship is totally worth it, too.

Talk to Strangers -- I dare you not to

"Don't talk to strangers." I hear the parents at the park telling their children again.

I've never said this phrase to my kids. I have, OTOH, modeled talking to strangers thousands of times. Every new person we meet is a stranger. Every waitress, every pilot, every dance class teacher, every other parent in a playgroup, even every doctor we meet for the first time is a stranger... *YOU* are most likely a stranger to me, yet you just might be a person that comes into my life and stays for a very long time. I'm always on the lookout for interesting people. My kids are always on the lookout for people with common interests. If we see a person in a store looking at an item that we are interested in, one of us just might start talking to that person. If we see a family at a park playing on the playground equipment, we almost always say "hi".

I don't believe in "Stranger Danger". I do, however, believe strongly in modeling communication with other people of all ages in front of my children. Part of that includes knowing to trust your instincts. My children and I honor our gut reactions. We don't stay around people that feel dangerous to us, no matter who they are. They know when to hold my hand and when it is safe to run and play. They trust themselves and they trust me. My husband and I trust them. We model not getting ourselves into dangerous situations (we TALK-TALK-TALK about this -- especially when traveling) and most importantly, we model how to get out of dangerous situations as quickly and efficiently as possible. So far, this has always worked quite well.

I should also mention here that we also have never forced our children to hug, kiss, or otherwise show affection or talk to anyone that they weren't comfortable with. Sure this can cause relatives to have hurt feelings, but I would never sacrifice my children's natural instinctive knowledge by forcing them to hug a friend or relative that they didn't want to hug. Forcing someone to do this is very dangerous and makes children start to not trust themselves. Any adult friend or relative that doesn't understand this doesn't need to be around my children. (I always politely explain this philosophy and rarely have had problems once I've explained our reasoning.)

The key point here is an Unschooling point: Our children have never been in a situation without me, my husband, or someone that we ALL trust completely. Some day, sooner than we'd like, our children will be all grown up and on their own. I strongly believe that they'll have to interact with strangers on a regular basis, probably most days of their lives. I want them to gain the knowledge of how to do this safely and politely before they are out on their own. They might even have to talk with strangers on the telephone! It is good that they are watching us, learning how to talk with people now. I'd hate for them to not learn how to talk to people until they turn 18.

Think I am insane and not "protecting" my children? Try reading Gavin De Becker's "Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)" or his "Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence". These books can help parents learn how to relearn how to trust their own natural instincts and how to not squash these instincts out of their children. There is nothing more peaceful than feeling safe.

Unschoolers and College

Here is a recent comment I received: "Since you Unschool your children, they'll never be able to go to college." The statement behind the statement is: "Your children will never amount to anything."

I realize that these comments are coming from a place of fear on the speaker's part, and even sometimes from a place of genuine concern and love. The fear is unwarranted and the concern is unnecessary. Homeschoolers (and especially Unschoolers) are thriving and successful.

Grown Unschoolers have been proving for years that school was not necessary for them to have healthy, happy, and fulfilled lives in the real world. They've been allowed to live in society for their whole lives (unlike children who are forced to spend hours and hours every day in school -- which is a completely different environment than "the real world") and they have no difficult transition period between adolescence and adulthood unlike their schooled age-mates. I have not met a single unsuccessful grown Unschooler. I can't say the same about schooled adults...

Think that Unschoolers aren't qualified to attend college? Think again. I must state, however, that Unschoolers might not feel the need to receive a traditional college degree in order to feel like a worthy citizen (and their friends and family don't force them to believe this myth, either). They've learned from an early age that learning and education do not necessarily go hand in hand. Living in society proves this to them.

If an Unschooled individual has the desire to attend college, then they'll attend college. It's really that simple. If you want something badly enough, you learn how to do it (which is the whole premise behind Unschooling). If, in fact, you don't want to know how to do it, your heart will never be in it no matter who forces you to go through the motions of "learning it" (and you'll never remember it). People need to WANT to learn about a topic before they actually learn it.

Some resources to begin your researching journey on this topic:

• BestHomeschooling.org's College & Career Information
• The Chronicle of Higher Education's October 12, 2007 article titled "Home-Schooled Students Rise in Supply and Demand"
  
• Sandra Dodd's "College Considerations for Unschoolers"
• Alfie Kohn's "How Not to Get into College: The Preoccupation with Preparation"
  

In my early quizzing of possible colleges and universities for my children (now 11 and 7), I've found many (just about all the ones I've looked into) are actively seeking out homeschooled children. These higher education schools are thrilled and excited about this "new breed" (their words) of young adults that actually want to be attending their classes (and aren't being forced to be there by their parents). The professors are happy to have them since they ask the important questions in class and are searching for the knowledge that the professors are trying to impart. The entrance requirements are easily met by all types of homeschoolers, so I have no worries and neither should other unschooling parents. Our pioneering children know exactly where they need to be, exactly when they need to be there. It might not be the "traditional path", but it will be the right one. Their happy and fulfilled lives prove it.

New Unschooling Book!

The Unschooling Unmanual has been released. This book is sure to be a winner!

Here's a quote from the Natural Child site:

"School is out. Unschool is in! Our newest book, _The Unschooling Unmanual_, by Nanda Van Gestel, Rue Kream, Mary Van Doren and Jan Hunt, will be published this fall. The book will include an excerpt from Learning All the Time by John Holt. Through engaging personal stories, examples, and essays, the writers offer inspiration and encouragement for experienced and prospective unschoolers alike. The book can be pre-ordered at the discounted price of $12 at www.naturalchild.org/unmanual. "

Create Your Own Community

With families often living great distances from each other, and friends often going separate ways, finding a community to share your life with can often be tricky in this day and age. Are you feeling alone? Consider creating your own community!

Since there are not a lot of Unschoolers in Southern Arizona (where my family and I live), some friends and I started the SOARing Unschoolers (SOuthern ARizona Unschoolers) group to seek out other families with similar parenting and lifestyle interests. We talk online and have gatherings that average out to about once a week. While none of us are identical in our beliefs and come from very diverse backgrounds, our bonds strengthen whenever we are together since we all believe in Unschooling. Unschooling is a lifestyle choice that bonds families in very interesting and strong ways, even when cultural and individual differences exist. It is a whole way of thinking that respects children as fully formed human beings and believes in their innate ability to learn from living.

Advertise what you are looking for. Libraries, bookstores, and online lists are great ways to seek out like-minded people/families. Thousands and thousands of google and yahoo groups exist just for people to find communities of people with similar interests. If in your search you can't find a single individual with a similar lifestyle, consider broadening your scope and definition of lifestyle. Just get out there (or stay home) and do the things that interest you and look around at the other people doing them with you. The people might not be a similar age or from the same background as you, but these are the people that make up your community. Take a class, browse around a hobby shop, ask your co-workers out to dinner. You might find that you have a lot more in common than you originally thought (or you might learn about new ways of living that you never knew of before). Don't be afraid of talking to random strangers in stores. You might find a new best friend in that carseat aisle. Then again, you might not, but at least you'll know that you broadened your horizons and took a chance!

Unschooled Vegan Children? Yes, They Can Exist!

My two daughters, ages 7 and 11, are vegan. They've both been vegetarians their whole lives and vegan for the last couple of years. I'm often poo-pooed in Unschooling circles, since many Unschoolers are Radical Unschoolers and believe that children should be allowed to eat what they want when they want it (and not forced to eat anything, nor disallowed from eating other things). I find this interesting. These people make a lot of assumptions about our dietary decisions based on the fact that I am the mother in this family. They are forgetting that we, too, are Radical Unschoolers and did not take on the decision to become a vegan family lightly nor without a lot of thought, research and time.

These Radically Unschooled Vegan children of mine are healthy, strong, and brilliant. Their bodies and minds are healthy and pure. They don't get sick often and are growing at a healthy rate. While their genetics make it appear that they should have a variety of ailments and maladies by their ages, neither does. While it is still possible for them to have something physically wrong with them later in life, their chances are significantly reduced by their diets.

Do I leave this decision up to them, as Radical Unschooling dictates? Yes. My children are allowed to eat whatever they want, whenever they want it. They have, individually, decided to become vegan on separate occasions with no pressure from any other member of our family or anyone else. If anything, I pressured them not to become vegan even as their hearts and minds encouraged them to. I didn't want to make this decision for them, yet honestly told them the facts as they asked (many questions over years). My children can, at any time, eat whatever they want (I always do point out what ingredients are in various food items when we are at potlucks, etc., as many of our personal vegan foods do not look vegan and could easily be confused with their meat/dairy counterparts). While we do have a completely vegan kitchen at this point, I would drive them to a restaurant and purchase non-vegan food for them if they asked me to -- they know this. With all the incredible vegan choices available today, they've never made that choice. They know that they can though; control of their bodies and what to consume are their decisions. Their lives are theirs. They listen to their bodies' wisdom and always make the right decision for them. And, they always know that whatever their decisions are, I will never be disappointed in them. Veganism is a very big decision and I've left it up to them to make it.

From the moment my oldest daughter was born, she showed that she was not going to consume anything unless she knew EXACTLY what it was. At the time, my husband and I were omnivores, eating meat and/or dairy with every meal. Our baby refused to eat anything except breastmilk until she was nearly a year and a half old. Considering that both her father and I had had serious dietary caused ailments by that age and she had none, her baby wisdom was a lot smarter than what doctors were telling us.

It wasn't until she was three or four that she asked to possibly eat a bit of meat that was on my plate. She wondered what it was. We said chicken. She wondered if the word chicken we were using was the same word chicken that was the bird that we saw in books and in chicken coops. She first thought we were kidding when we said yes and she laughed and laughed. When she saw that we were serious, she was flabbergasted, then appauled, then very upset with us. She made us seriously consider our own personal food choices. She led us on our journey to veganism. She was our leader, our teacher, our guide. In an Unschooling family, the learning goes in all directions -- Not just from the older people down. We are on this journey together, learning every day -- together.

All four members of my family are introverts. We relish in our time alone in the solitude of our own home. However, several years ago my oldest daughter wanted to become a vegan activist. She led our way on that journey, too, and it is her that I thank every day for broadening my mind and my world so much. I wouldn't be who am I today without her wisdom. Without her, I never would have wondered if it was my diet that was causing all of my ailments. Without her, I never would have attempted an elimination diet. Cutting out all animal products from my diet has been the best health decision I have ever made. I am presently disease-free and that is something that could not be said about me my entire life before I became a vegan. Without my daughter, I never would have started this very site.

Are you interested in vegetarianism or veganism, but aren't sure it is a healthy decision for growing children? Here are a few fabulous resources for you to start your own research with:

• Keeping Kids Healthy article on "Raising Vegan Children"
• VegFamily site
• Dr. McDougall's site (do a search for "children" on this site -- there is a lot of great information there)
• Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine's take on what children should eat
• Do Life Right's aStore on Healthy Diets
• The very best book on this topic is: Disease-Proof Your Child: Feeding Kids Right by Joel Fuhrman
  

As with all topics and subjects in my family's life, we are open and honest and factual with our children. They asked the questions about food and diet, and together we explored and researched to find the answers. We did not hide the truth about food from our children, just as we do not hide the truth about anything from them. We tell them what we know and we research the rest. Kids are smart and can come to decisions and conclusions on their own if they know the facts. It is up to us, as their parents, to keep our minds open as we explore the world together.

"I'd Unschool, but my kids would play video games all day..."

This is another unfounded "complaint" I receive when I tell other parents that we are Unschoolers. Silly complaint, since real learning comes whilst playing video games. I can't get my kids to play enough. ;) When kids are given the freedom to follow their passions, their lives become very well rounded naturally. Passionate lives thrive when seemingly unlimited time can be given to an interest. Remember the last time you had a new, exciting interest? Didn't it consume your mind? This is good - fantastic actually! This can make it temporarily look like that thing is the only thing that a person is doing, but this is not how things pan out over time. Just like a well balanced diet can best be seen over the course of a few days, a well balanced life can best be seen that way as well.

Don't forget that if your family is new to Unschooling, you'll all need time to Deschool. Please do not forget this step, as it is the most essential step there is to fully comprehending what Unschooling is all about and how it can help your entire family reach their full potential in life.

Still freaked out about video games? Check out these:

• Discover Magazine has Steven Johnson's article "Your Brain on Video Games"
• LivingJoyfully has Pam Laricchia's "Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Video Games" (Check out the references at the end, they are very interesting)
• Steven Johnson's book, Everything Bad is Good For You

Still have questions about your kid's games? Don't let them be "your kids" games. Join them! Play with them, right beside them. Read the manuals and fansites. Be involved. You, too, just might find a new passion and you'll be amazed at how much your kids are learning without being forced to. Proper Unschooling requires very hands on parenting.

My family's current favorite online sites with games:

• Webkinz (This is a wonderful online virtual pet website, buy the stuffed animal then enjoy the benefits of this amazing online world. I've checked out several imitative sites, and as of today none compare to Webkinz in quality.)

• Sand Game (This highly fun game is a perpetual favorite here. We had to try some of the combinations in real life. Check out the theme song, it's amazing!)

• Line Rider (There are many fan video clips on YouTube. There is also a really cool Line Rider Fan Site.)
• PBS Kids
• American Girl (We love the Mancala game in the Addy section.)
• Groovy Girls
  

My family's current favorite regular video games:

• Chemicus
• Physicus
• Nancy Drew
  

Still not getting along with your older child? Here are some additional parenting resources that I've gotten a lot out of. For best results, read them before your child is "older".

The Teenage Liberation Handbook
Grace Llewellyn

Guerrilla Learning
Grace Llewellyn

Parent-Teen Breakthrough
Mira Kirshenbaum

Freedom Now

As a huge Indigo Girls fan, I've adored the song Closer To Fine since the first time I heard it. It popped up on the radio for me the other day as I was driving and the familiar, "Got my paper, I was free" played and an old odd disturbance ran through me. It was true. I was not free in any way whatsoever in this society until I received a college degree some fourteen years ago.

There were a lot of spoken and unspoken requirements to the need for that silly piece of paper in my life. While I did enjoy parts of the college experience, I honestly do not feel that I learned very much in the classes that I took for my degree (in Mathematics, for those curious). I did the majority of my learning in the classes that I took BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE THERE and in the afterhour discussions and reading that I did on my own. I learned a lot during my years as a college student, but not because I was in college. I was shackled to the school, gathering up student loans, until society was ready to call me an adult. I needed that piece of paper to be free (even though no one has ever asked to see it). I did spend a lot of time learning how to cut through red tape...

My children (ages 11 and 7, today) are free NOW -- on this day and every day. They were born free and they've spent every day of their lives living fully in the here and now. Although often people attempt to discriminate against them due to their ages, they are never discriminated due to their Unschooling. Strangers are always impressed at our children. Since they don't have the pressures that schooled children have, they can pursue their dreams and passions on their own personal schedules. They are allowed to follow their interests and pursue them as far as they want. They ask, we help, they thrive. It really is as simple as that. Be present with your children and their whole selves will shine!

To paraphrase what a Star Trek episode reminded me recently: All I ask of my children is that they love what they do and they do their best at it, no matter what it is. I wish for their happiness and that they lead exciting lives (for them). Living a full life, a life full of passion, that is my fondest wish for my children. That is my fondest wish for everyone everywhere.

I love this Unschooling lifestyle!

What Not To Say To Children

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
--- Anonymous

Consider your words carefully, your words define who you are. What is your goal from your relationship with your children? Do you want to really know who they are? What do you want your relationship to be with them when they are grown? Consider that your words and actions when they are children will affect your relationship with them when they are grown. Make your words, actions, and relationship be great NOW, every day. The future will take care of itself when today's relationships are always taken care of every single day at every moment of today. Conscious, mindful parenting today can cure tomorrow's potential woes.

Along these thoughts, a variety of phrases have been popping up around me lately and I have discovered deep within me that when I said that I would never say certain things to my children when they were born, I meant it. I also meant that I would never say similar things, either. Listed below are some of these sad phrases (they aren't necessarily all obviously mean spirited, but they certainly are all mean spirited!).

I invite readers to e-mail me additional phrases and experiences and thoughts on these topics. Please fill out the form located at the side of this page.

• "Just wait until you have kids":
  

What, for revenge? My children are wonderful and glorious beings. Why would I want to spite my children? If anything, I look forward to being the grandmother of their children as I am certain that my children will be amazing parents.

I also don't want to force my children to grow up faster than they already are. I enjoy them; I like them here with me. They will decide to leave home soon enough without me forcing them to prematurely.

• "Farm out" as in, "I need to farm out these kids in order to get rid of them for a while and I don't care who has them so long as it's not me":

I *always* care where my children are and who my children are with. I don't leave them with just anyone, either. My children know this and trust me to not leave them with people that they would feel uncomfortable with. If need be (and often is), I don't go places where my children aren't invited. If you are feeling so tired of your children that you are feeling this way, consider getting household help while you spend MORE time really paying attention to your children. The household stuff can usually wait, children cannot.

• "Because I said so":
  

If there isn't a reason behind my actions, then I should reconsider my actions. I have said, "Please do/don't do this particular action right now and I will tell you why as soon as I can." This is completely different, it was a matter of emergency or necessity. "Because I said so" is never valid in a real relationship. I've earned my children's trust at this point and they know that if I can't give them a reason that instant, I'll happily give them a reason as soon as possible.

• "Tough Love":
  

Okay, we are not talking about a forty year old drugged out man here and his relationship with his mother. We are talking about a child. A child that is living with his parents (a child that hopefully hasn't been screwed up by his parents). If the relationship has gotten to the point that "tough love" is even thought of, then something horrible definitely went wrong a LONG time ago that started with the parents. My relationship with my children comes ahead of my relationship with anyone else, and anyone that might tell me that I need to use "tough love" has probably been a victim of "tough love" themselves...

• "I'm more stubborn than you" or "I'm going to win this one" (in an argument) or "My will is stronger than yours":
  

What!?! The parent-child relationship should not be competitive nor adversarial. Why would I want to "beat" my child in any way? I birthed these children of mine, I am on THEIR side. We are partners in this world of living together. We might not always agree with each other, but we are never adversaries.

• "You're grounded" or "You are in time out" or "Go stand in a corner":
  

When a child is behaving poorly, it should be a wake-up call to the parents (they weren't doing their job!) not a reason to punish the child. Children need their parents MORE than ever at these critical moments. They don't need an absent parent that gets rid of them for their own peace.

If you can think of nothing positive to say to your child, consider these questions: Have you been ignoring your child lately? Pushing them off to be dealt with later? Ignoring their needs?

Worse still, have you wanted to punish or hit/spank/swat? Consider using one of these 22 alternatives to punishment. If you are still feeling the need to hit, get help immediately.

A child can only be punished so many times before they either never want to be around the person that punishes them, or else they only stick around (and continue to be abused by) people that punish them and become like those people. Punishments rarely turn into less harsh actions, in fact they usually become more and more harsh in order to "show the same effects". Of course, these are just that, too: Effects of "show" rather than true personality changes. Children learn from example. If you hit your child, your child will learn that hitting people is a good thing to do when you disagree with them.

• "I love(d) you enough to make you [do this thing] ":
  

This is one of the most ludicrous excuses for child abuse that I have ever heard. I want to be my children's sanctuary. This world can be harsh. This world can be rough. This world is full of many exciting and wonderful things, too. When the world is tough on my children, I want them to know that I will be there for them. See Danielle Conger's take on this topic. My guess would be that she will always have a good relationship with her children.

• "Wait until you're 18, then you'll see"
  

Yeah, they'll discover that living without parents is heavenly! Some kids really would prefer life as a runaway to the abuse (verbal and/or physical) that they receive at home. Guilt trips don't induce love just as spankings don't induce hugs. Next time you feel like yelling at your child, hug him instead. Be careful not to force that hug though, or it could backfire.

• "If you don't shut up, I'll give you something to cry about":
  

Really, now, will ya? Wow.

• "I'm proud of being a mean Mom.":
  

Huh? Seriously, huh? I don't even comprehend this one, but I've been hearing it a lot... Interesting that the children of these parents confide in me that they don't listen to their parents and they don't like their parents. I'm proud of being a nice Mom. My kids like me. My kid's friends like me (although not all of their parents do, but that doesn't bother me). When I am tempted to do something mean to a child because they have been annoying, I turn around and do something nice. I always get positive results with this approach.

By not forcing my children to have rigid chores, I've found that they are willing to help and pitch in without having to be asked or paid. Being nice to people begets niceness in return in unexpected ways. I'm constantly amazed at the nice things my children do.

I can certainly imagine how I would feel if my husband bragged to other men that he was a "mean husband". I wouldn't be wanting to do anything nice for him for a while...

• "Just wait until your father gets home.":
  

Who's the parent here? I am.

Okay, wait, I have used this phrase. My meaning (and connotation) is: Just wait until your dad gets home to join in on the wonderful fun that we are having! Won't it be great to share our fun and happiness with him, too?

• "This thing that you love is stupid."
  

Do your kids love Webkinz or Batman or video games that you consider stupid and a waste of time? Have you considered that if you say that something that your child loves is stupid, then you are really saying that you think that your child is stupid? At least, that is what she'll hear! My kids are geniuses! My kids' friends are geniuses. They are interesting, fascinating, thoughtful and thought-provoking. I love everything that they love. Although I don't completely understand it all, I certainly try and they see me try. I care about what they care about and (interestingly enough) they care about everything that I care about, too.

• "I know what's best for you."
  

The implication here is obvious: child is stupid, parent is smart. My children were born knowing what was best for them. They knew when they were hungry, cold, tired, etc. They listened to their bodies and they still haven't stopped! I know many, many (thousands?) of adults who don't have a clue what is best for them because that innate knowledge was beaten out of them as children (world dependency on caffeine, alcohol, and foods proves this). I'm not about to do that damage to my own kids!

• "Go play in traffic."
  

With this phrase popping up as a phrase of choice in mainstream parenting circles, it is no wonder that the rift between parents and children is so huge these days. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Do you really want your child to go and play in traffic?

All this talk of what parents shouldn't say brings me to a list of sadly common phrases that if one of my children were to say, it would make me seriously reevaluate how I had been parenting:

1. "I hate you."
2. "You are mean."
3. "I can't wait until I don't live with you anymore."

Please don't laugh. This isn't comical. If a child of mine said one of these phrases, I would ask them first if they really meant it. If no, then I would explain how saying something like that can cause the receiver's feelings to be hurt. If yes, then I would ask a lot of questions why and what I could do to make it better! I would listen! I would change accordingly!

If you have any additional phrases that you have heard lately, please let me know. I'm here, writing on this blog, for the sole purpose to make the world a better place.